- Stop breathing ozone immediately. You know you can if you try.
- Do not strike matches near an open nuclear power plant.
- Do not rub either your scalp or your bosom with the latest scientific breakthrough.
- Never sit next to strangers in movie theaters, churches, or hot tubs.
- Never ride with a teenager wearing a Dukes of Hazzard T-shirt.
- Do not store feminine hygiene products in a microwave oven.
- Avoid harmful fats -- particularly those name Gloria.
- Never go swimming immediately after eating a day-old tuna and mayo sandwich.
- Avoid death-defying rides at amusement parks -- especially those that have carried 10 million people without an accident.
- Avoid wearing tight designer jeans, since the dye used in some designer labels, when sat on by laboratory rats, caused dishpan tail.
- Avoid medical care by licensed physicians. Even if the treatment causes no harmful side-effects, the bill can prove fatal.
- Be satisfied with what you have. Stay away from pyramid parties, gurus, Nigerian email offers, and marriage counselors.
Follow the wise though goofy suggestions above and you will have an excellent chance at survival. But just in case, always wear clean underwear.
About the Author
Joe Hickman, a veteran writer for comedians and public speakers, is editor of HaLife.com